Men are wise in proportion, not to their experience, but to their capacity for experience.

If you go to heaven without being naturally qualified for it you will not enjoy it there.

I would like to take you seriously, but to do so would be an affront to your intelligence.

The power of accurate observation is commonly called cynicism by those who have not got it.

Liquor is the chloroform which enables the poor man to endure the painful operation of living.

The secret of being miserable is to have leisure to bother about whether you are happy or not.

There are two tragedies in life. One is to lose your heart's desire. The other is to gain it.

I learned long ago, never to wrestle with a pig. You get dirty, and besides, the pig likes it.